Redemption
by Maureen Painted Green
Summary: She may be forgiven by everyone else, but for some reason, Lorelai can't forgive herself. Oneshot.


_Redemption_

Spring had never been her favorite season. It was often rainy and cold, and her beloved snow had already melted. The skies stayed gray and sad. And then there was the whole spring cleaning thing. Spring definitely wasn't Lorelai Gilmore's season. Looking out her window at the depressing spring weather, Lorelai was disliking it even more than usual. For some reason, this particular spring was worse than most. Though it probably wasn't any wetter or colder, though the sky probably wasn't any grayer than it had been last spring, something inside her was making it ten times worse.

Frequently when she was in a mood like this, she called her daughter to complain, and to listen to what Rory had to say. She glanced at the phone, but thought better of it. She knew what Rory would say was causing her mood. And she didn't want to face the fact that what Rory would say was true. She knew why she felt like chopping every stubborn little spring flower that poked its head through the dirt with Babette's hedge clippers. She knew why she couldn't stand to hear another person utter the phrase "April showers bring May flowers!". Somehow, it all came back to one thing. One night. One man.

This springtime reminded her of the last one. The one where everything had fallen apart. She had really believed she would finally have _it._ The elusive life she'd been craving for so long. She'd had the job, the house, the kid. And that spring, she had finally had the guy too. And then it fell apart. That was the real reason she hated this spring. The real reason that she hid inside her house, never leaving for anything but work and meals. The spring reminded her of her failure.

She flopped onto the well-worn couch and began examining one of her throw pillows, in an attempt to take her mind off _him._ The bright pink color was fading, she noticed, examining the fabric. Luke hated pink, she laughed to herself. Disgusted with her inability to distract herself, she threw the pillow across the room (where it narrowly missed a lamp), and burrowed further into the couch.

If she couldn't shake the Luke thoughts, she decided, she'd have to face them sometime. She'd been hiding long enough. Today was the day that she got it all out and tried to make sense of it again. Today was the day that she stopped hiding from herself. Today was the day when she would remember it all and try to figure out if she could ever move on with her life. She wanted so much to run into Luke someday and not feel like her heart was about to explode. She wanted to be able to remember _him,_ and not just the things she had done to lose him. She wanted to be able to sleep again, to drink coffee without tearing up. She had a feeling that Luke had already forgiven her, and she had certainly forgiven him. The part she still needed to work on was forgiving herself.

She sat there on that very couch, thinking about Luke late into the night. Occasionally she laughed at a good memory or smiled at the recall of something sweet Luke had said to her. There were a few times when she got up and paced back and forth in front of the couch, trying desperately to figure out what went wrong. Mostly, though, she just cried and remembered, letting the warm, comforting fabric of the couch absorb her tears, as it had absorbed so many before. She thought and agonized, hurt and loved, and when she was out of emotions, she relaxed into the couch and fell asleep.

She woke late the next afternoon, her eyes still puffy from crying. She smoothed her hands over her jeans and put her hair into a ponytail, letting her mind wander to the revelations of last night. She'd tossed and turned, paced and pieced it all together, and she'd finally realized that she had to talk to Luke before she could move on. Assuming she wanted to. Her hands shaking, she grabbed a pair of shoes and a jacket, before heading out the door.

She was getting into her car when her hand shook so violently that she dropped the keys. It probably wasn't a good idea for her to be driving right now, Lorelai decided. She pocketed the keys and walked instead. Her feet led her on the path she had walked so many times, and she was out in the town square before she realized where she was going. She sat in the gazebo, just trying to breathe. She didn't think she could do this.

Her inner Wonder Woman thought otherwise. _Go on_, it urged her, _open the door_. She ignored it and continued to sit. Minutes turned into hours, and before she knew it, night had fallen and the diner was closing. Finally, she stood. Walking across the street, she pushed open the door she'd been longing to enter for almost a year. She heard the sweet jingle of bells announcing her arrival and the gruff "We're closed" of the man behind the counter before he turned around. When he did, she was fairly certain he had stopped breathing for a moment.

He stared at her, taking in her appearance. His eyes lingered on the bags under her eyes and on her thin frame. For the first time in her life, Lorelai Gilmore was completely broken. She raised her head finally, and looked into his eyes, and what he saw there broke his heart. She let out a sob, breaking the silence. He didn't hesitate a second. The rag was flung onto the counter and he was around the tables holding her in his arms. He rubbed her back as she clung to him, comforting her while she cried.

Finally, her sobs abated, and she looked up at him once again. Tears still clung to her beautiful face, and her body still shook. In that instant, he reached down and kissed her. Just once, and lightly on the mouth. It wasn't a kiss of pity, or of guilt. It wasn't a kiss of regret. It was a kiss of love, given in the only way he knew how.

She looked up into his eyes again, as he pulled her deeper into his arms. As she rested her head on his chest again, she let the beauty of the moment overwhelm her. The tears fell again, but this time for a different reason. In that moment, she was finally able to forgive herself. The answer she'd needed, the one she'd been looking for all along was right in his eyes. Because of Luke, she had been unable to forgive herself, and only with Luke could she ever find her redemption.


End file.
